Saturday, March 23, 2013
A Ray Of Hope?
"I see growth!" That was the dermatologist's first statement to me after inspecting my scalp. I felt relief, I felt tears of joy, I felt hopeful. "But (and there always has to be a but, right?) it's not as much growth as I was hoping for." Still, I had the "growth" statement ringing in my ears so I wasn't as concerned with the rest. The doctor made the decision to switch my steroid scalp treatment to an even stronger steroid treatment in the hopes she would see more hair growth in the next 2 months or we will be forced to search for new options-options with more risks and options I'm not sure I'm ready for just yet...It has been 1 week since I've started the new steroid treatment and, unfortunately, I'm seeing more hair loss instead of hair gain. This new steroid, thankfully, isn't peeling my scalp the way the other one did, but it also isn't doing squat (that I'm able to notice). Yesterday I felt myself falling apart as I was pulling hair off of my shoulders and arms-and counting them-by the dozens. My hopefulness and happiness was downgraded to angry and helpless. I forced myself to put on my happy face, pretend like nothing was wrong and enjoy some time out with my girlfriends. I'm trying to cherish these times out with friends because I don't know if I'll have the courage to continue time out with friends once the truth is revealed. I can't help but wonder how much time I have left to look normal, to feel somewhat pretty and to feel good about myself? How much more time do I have to pull this 'lie' off without others noticing before I'm forced to hide away and never be seen or heard from again? I feel my time running out and I feel the panic inside me. It's not actual life or death, but it feels like the death of the REAL me is coming faster than I can prepare myself. To add insult to injury, my blood pressure has hit an ultimate low out of nowhere (which means the Spiro option may be off the table-still unsure) and my OB is now also convinced something is seriously wrong with my hormones. I won't go into detail, but I will be going into the OB office to have a bunch of tests done in the next week...the good news is these tests could possibly reveal some reason for my hair loss that hasn't yet been detected, but a ray of hope isn't worth much to me at this point.