Saturday, February 2, 2013

Counting Hairs

So my scalp is currently on a "break" from the steroid cream, this is how we're supposed to wake-up those sleepy follicles (I think) and then restart the steroid cream in about 12 days.  The last day of using steroid cream, before the break, I panicked and called the doctor to inform her that the cream was not working, my hair was still falling out and I need HELP!  Her advice was to be patient (this woman clearly does not know me very well at all yet) and she informed me that we had to give the scalp at least 1 month before results are even a little noticeable.  So now I wait, again-ugh!  This morning was a BAD hair loss morning.  Like horror movie, hair-falling-out bad!  Unfortunately I think I've developed an unhealthy habit of counting hairs when they fall out as I shampoo, as I condition, as I dry my hair and style it-I try to count every single hair that has given up on me and fled the scene to make sure I don't hit my 150 quota of hair loss for the day (this is what I'm told is normal hair loss and this, I'm sure, I am WAY over everyday).  Dr. J would call my counting of hairs a very creative way to worry about something that's out of my control, he always refers to me as one of his most creative patients- I'm not sure if this is an insult or a compliment, but I like to think of it as a positive thing (minus the fact that it has landed me in more therapy sessions and my continuation of anxiety meds.-but I think that this reflects on his failure to fix me rather than my failure to come to terms with my issues so not really my fault there).  Anyway, I've come to love the thick, fabric headbands-these are my saving grace on a day like today.  I can't see scalp, my hair looks good and I'm momentarily able to trick my self-esteem into rising an inch off the rock bottom ground.  I still haven't had the courage to tell my friends what is going on and I think that, in part, is making me a little miserable-trying to hide my hair flaws instead of being able to embrace them and not care.  If this steroid cream fails me though, I see few options left before the truth physically reveals itself before I I am trying to find my patience and wait this out a little longer until I'm forced to come clean.  As for now, thick cloth headbands and wishful thinking and trying to find my smile instead of letting this consume me.    

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